05 February 10
Don't Say No to Nikki Lynnette
About a year ago or so, @NikkiLynette added me as a contact on Twitter. I clicked over to her account to vet her before adding her back. I then clicked to her website to see what was there since I was aware that she was a real person. I then proceeded to spend the next hour or so googling her, tracking down MySpace song links, downloading music I found, looking at Google images. Yep, for about 1 hour I became some crazed online stalker and all because I was hooked on her music after listening to a 60-second sample of her song “Now That I’m Fine”.
I began following her back on Twitter, and would occasionally get a dribble of a music soundbyte she would pull out of her archives and I’m happy to brag that I heard an early release of a new tune that still hasn’t dropped. I’m not sure what it is but I’ve been hooked on her music since then and have been waiting very impatiently for her first cd to release. Today I saw that she’d released this video on YouTube and jumped up and down during the video. There’s breakdancing! and the requisite 5-mile-long sexy legs on all the women. But these ladies are not video hos, they’d kick your teeth out of this universe if you called ‘em that.
In September, GapersBlock set up a local music showcase at Metro. It was going to be awesome. I’d suggested Nikki’s group a little too late for them to get the original invite. And when people bailed, I convinced Andrew that he had to consider her. And while I was trying to convince her that she was Awesome Blossom and would Like Totally Rock, she sent him a message via Twitter that she’d love to play in the showcase. And she did.
I think I love that her music is a great blend of hip-hop with some metal influences, and just enough of a pop coating to make it go down easy. It reminds me of some of the hip-hop coming out in the mid-80s that blended different genres together in their sound. That’s when I first got into hip-hop so of course I’m partial to music with that blended sense. And I won’t lie when I say that I loved that Nikki’s lyrics weren’t all smushed out about guys. I love that she’s not afraid to say she’s better than that when you treat her bad. There’s not enough of that coming from women’s voices in hip-hop, hell in music in general, hell! in society. So I gotta support it when I can, you know? I gotta.
Good luck, Nikki.
09 January 10
How does your influence extend
I’m always surprised to meet someone who has heard of me, or knows of something I’ve done. The internet and meeting most of my friends because of it hasn’t changed that. So I have to admit (cause these thoughts are prevalent lately) that I have no idea who all would miss me if I were to die. This isn’t a cry for people to come out of the work and say “ooh, me!”. It’s not a cry for attention, but thank you if that was our instinct.
After reading words written by literally hundreds of people now about Brad Graham and how much he influenced them, even people he never met in person, I’m amazed at how far his reach extended. I think he might have been, too. I’m sure there are a lot of people he remembers meeting briefly, and remembers emailing with. But I know I can’t remember all the people I’ve briefly met or emailed with in the last year, let alone 10. And I’m no where near as popular or prolific as he was.
I think the moral to this story, if there can be one is two-fold. One, you have no idea who you are going to influence or how. Long before I’d met Brad he left a comment on a post I wrote about an uncle. And this stranger just appearing out of nowhere and saying hello and thanking me for having written it was touching and it encouraged me. Even if I’d never met him, I’d have that memory to think about and reflect on how it has stuck with me.
The other moral, is that our words can and probably should live on after us. This writing we do feels so ephemeral and momentary that it may not seem like much. But these pixels we put on CMSs of various types all over the world are the equivalent to previous generations letters, written missives, chap-books, and zines. Even if something were to happen and the family of the creator decided that those words could never be published, we at least have a record that they existed and that record can be stored in a library or a private collection for anthropologists and historians to use in future referencing of materials. But hard drives can be erased, accounts can lapse and be deleted easily.
Thankfully Matt Haughey and several others know enough to figure out how to make sure that at least for the short term Brad’s main writing will continue to appear online, which I imagine is exactly how he would want it. But if he doesn’t have a will, and if his next of kin finds his “hobby” of writing about himself and his life all over the internet distasteful, they have ownership of the information and can delete it at will.
So, your action item, is to think about what you want to happen to your online legacy (yes, even if you only have 3 readers) after you’re gone. I know of someone who has enlisted a friend to post a photograph of her dog everyday for 1 year after she passes away so that at the end of the year, people will be glad to see the crazy dog lady has stopped blogging. I think she underestimates how many people enjoy seeing pictures of her pup. But what would you like to have happen to your online writing?
I know I want mine to stay. I don’t have a will (something I know I need to rectify), but if a blogpost can serve as my legal wish. I want my site to remain as is for as long as technology will allow. I give Andrew Huff rights to all of my writing upon my death. Should something happen to him, I give these rights to Veronica I. Arreola. Should something happen to all of them, I give these rights to my mother. I don’t list my mother first simply because technology isn’t something that is second-nature to her and dealing with her loss of me will be stressful enough.
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07 January 10
Loss
On Monday, while trying to focus at work and while listening to Scissor Sisters (a little Filthy/Gorgeous to be precise), I read online that Brad Graham of BradLands, aka Must See HTTP://, had passed away. I read the post again. I read the link to the few sentences on the St. Louis Today website. I read them again. I tried Google to see if there was any other information available. I returned to Twitter and posted the link and asked if anyone had more information. I refreshed. I refreshed. I saw people begin to answer with “NOOO!”
And then I called the Repertory Theater where Brad worked. I was sobbing at this point. I could hear it in my voice and I couldn’t hide it and I didn’t care. And I honestly thought, “This must be real if I don’t care if a complete stranger will hear that I’ve been crying.”
“I just read on the St. Louis Today website about Brad. I wondered if you had any more information and I’m sorry to be calling you.”
“You what? Where? Oh my. It’s on the website already? We just found out a few hours ago. People are at his house now, they just left a few hours ago. I’m so sorry you had to find out this way. We’ll post more info on the website.”
“Thank you. And I’m sorry that you’ve lost him.”
And then I cried some more. A lot more.
And I’ve tried to write this, and I’ve deleted it and rewritten and deleted it and I just can’t get over how selfish this all feels. Grief is so self-centered, I’ve realized. Losing a loved one, especially in such a surprising way, just makes you think non-stop about all the things you’ve said and done and laughed at together and you just feel so empty when you realize that great pile of memories will never get any larger. And that’s okay. It’s okay to focus for a while on how your life will never be the same now that this person is gone. It’s okay to remember all the funny (and oh my god were are there a lot) things. And because so many people who knew him, also knew each other online, or at least had small areas of overlap in our personal Venn Diagrams, it’s been easy to read some of these stories with them, and I’ve shared a little, too. And through these stories we all get to add just a bit to the pile of memories that we have of Brad. We get to know him a little bit better through these stories. And even though I’ll never again hear his laugh in person, or watch him smile and wink at Andrew with one eye while looking devilishly to see if I’m watching, or watch him walk up to a complete stranger and make them feel happy and comfortable in 30 seconds flat, I’ll at least have this pile of memories. As long as the Lesser Kudu doesn’t come along and eat them all, I’ll be okay.
01 January 10
A year ago
This was my first post last year. And I think it summarizes how I felt during most of 2009. I was stressed, trying hard to remind myself that I had things to be happy with, feeling like I couldn’t control much of what I disliked about my life and situation, but realizing that I was and am the only person who has control over my outlook. And I know that I can change things that I don’t like, I just don’t know how I want them to change and until I get that part figured out, I can’t proceed.
But some really good things did happen, even if making them happen caused me more stress. And I tried to focus on the good, while recognizing that the bad was affecting me and I did my best to stop the negativity flow when I realized I was experiencing it and look for something positive instead. I didn’t always let it happen that way, but I tried.
And there are some things that I’m very happy about that are coming up this year. Because I’ve worked so much overtime I’m going to be taking a week off in January as soon as I can get this project wrapped up. And then I’m going to work four days a week until I’ve used my that comp time I’ve had accrued since last year since I couldn’t take it all this year. And just having more time to myself will be a good thing and will make it possible for me to work on some web stuff, do more cooking, and maybe eat at Hot Doug’s or Kuma’s on occasion for lunch since I know that getting Andrew to go with me is easy-peasy.
But mostly I have plans of being productive in all of the ways that I enjoy being productive. Seeing pictures of a quilt Carolyn made really inspired me to pull out of storage the quilt I started eons ago and work on it a little bit at a time. I’ve got all the pieces cut out and I’ve got about half of the squares pieced, so I just need to do a lot more piecing (which is going to begin with a lot of pressing) and then I get to figure out what the backing will be and actually turn it into a quilt. Part of why I stopped years ago was because I realized it wasn’t perfect. But I think I can accept that it isn’t perfect now, cause what I really want is to just be able to look at it everyday on my bed and see that I accomplished something huge. And I did it by breaking it down into small bits.
And this is probably the most important lesson I learned about myself this year. When I first started writing a book I was so overwhelmed that I had 4 months to write 300 recipes and about 10,000 words of other material. I couldn’t believe it. It just seemed way too much and there was no way I could do it and whining ensued. And then I thought, “Okay. You’ve got 17 weeks. How much do you have to do each week? How much do you have to do each day?” And when I realized that I only had to write about 3 recipes a day I decided that I could handle that. But only because I broke it down into smaller pieces. And since I did that (although some days I skipped a day which meant that weekends were about catching up and trying to get ahead), since I did the little pieces and I did them consistently, I got the big, overwhelming project done.
So 2009 was all about accomplishing smaller tasks on a consistent basis. I’d like to continue that trend this year with other projects. Projects like: continue writing One Good meal for Gapers Block with a focus on purchasing ingredients from independent grocers who aren’t in my neighborhood, actually write more a few posts a month for Publicious, design a lot of new bags that one may consider a “line”, get the web shop here turned into a real web shop, do something with http://www.cinnamoncooper.com, draw more attention to all the great local small crafting business owners in Chicago via the Chicago Craft Mafia, cook some of the things that still scare me (like French Macaroons, Momofuku’s Steamed Pork Buns, Gnocchi, homemade pasta, and poached eggs), and set aside one day a week at least where I just have fun and don’t worry about being productive. Like Ani Difranco says, I don’t want to forget to have a good time in 2010. And I’m grateful that I know a number of people who will help me do that.
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10 December 09
I feel . . .
. . . like I should be grateful more often than I am.
. . . some things that should be enough, aren’t.
. . . like a little laughter should be better than no laughter at all.
. . . tired more often than I would like to.
. . . hungry even when I’m not.
. . . like I should know more than I do by now.
. . . that some things just need to be accepted and not fought.
. . . like things are brewing when what I really want is percolation.
21 October 09
Refueling
A day ago or so, Kim Moldofsky explained the difference between an introvert and an extrovert. An introvert refuels, gains energy, by being alone. An extrovert refuels by being with people.
For all my life, I’ve been strictly in the introvert camp. Very, very strongly in the introvert camp. But I say that know I am now an introvert most of the time. Generally being around people makes me tired. I get hungover after being around people for a long period of time. I find myself withdrawing, being quiet, wanting to be alone. At something like SXSW I spend time just sitting by myself, or I linger in the bathroom.
And for years, for as long as I can remember, this has been the case. I actually remember sitting on a school bus with the seats so very tall, coming home from kindergarten, looking out the window, feeling the girl in the seat next to me jumping up and down and thinking, “School would be so much better if there weren’t so many kids.” It’s not that I hated the kids, it’s just that everywhere I went there were kids. I was pushed, encouraged, required by my teachers to “join the other kids” when really I just wanted to be away from them.
Those introversion techniques continued throughout my entire life. But things are changing. And I realized it just recently. I realized it after spending time with people, on a few consecutive days, and realizing that I felt happier, more relaxed, sharper somehow after spending time with people.
It’s not like every time I spend time with people I come home exhausted, drained, and grumpy. Nor do I regret spending time with people. Well, most of the time. But quite often, groups of people, people I don’t know terribly well, people I may not like, they do exhaust me. It’s never permanent or damaging. I just don’t always feel bright and shining after these things.
But after experiencing several instances where I felt significantly better after spending time with people has made me rethink whether I’m as much of an introvert as I thought I was. I mean, being around Andrew makes me feel better than being alone (most of the time, at least). And a few extra-special people in my life make me feel better as well. But that number has been very small my whole life and I’m realizing that this number has grown significantly over the last few years. I’m happy about this. I like having more refueling stations in my life.
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30 September 09
It's been a while
And since I still don’t have the attention spans for things that are much longer than either 140 characters or 65 words, here are some short bits about what I’m thinking:
Roman Polanski: No matter how great of an artist he is, no matter how creative and brilliant he is, he ruined a young girl’s life forever. She says she’s been victimized more from the publicity around the case than from the case itself and I believe her. I can comprehend that. I think everyone who has decided that they just can’t press charges, that they just can’t face that action understands her. That said, he deserved jail time, he deserves jail time, he deserves to be an example of what you can expect if you drug and rape a child. And honestly, no one has said that better than Kate Harding so I’ll let you read her clear words on the subject. And, Kelly Deal who is not Kelley Deal of The Breeders, made it easy to find a list of the people who are supporting Roman Polanski’s bid to not be punished. Most of the names on this list don’t surprise me. I mean look at how many of them are male. But there are a few who do. So, sorry Diane von Furstenberg. I love your dresses but I will NEVER buy a dress from you. Ever. Support your child-drugging and rapist-friend, but forget about having me save up to buy a frock. And Kevin Smith, the toked-out kinda wacky guy who thinks way too deeply, or not deeply enough. Thank YOU for not supporting this jagoff. I still think you’re a bit of a wanker, but I think I may have to give you another chance.
Humid Beings launched this week. It’s a web portal for New Orleans. And it will help me feel less far away from the city when I’m not there.
The Grassroots Business Association of Seattle is an amazing group that supports fantastic ventures to bring small business owners together in Seattle. We at the Chicago Craft Mafia try to do that locally with our quarterly Craft Rackets so we can draw information to small craft biz owners. Well, Lauren Bacon and Emira Mears who wrote The Boss of You have created the Vancouver Grassroots Business Association. I wish them nothing but success and continued influence. They’re fantastic women that I’ve been lucky to meet. And if they can’t help your business grow, then you’re in the wrong business.
Quinoa Stuffed Shiitake Mushrooms sound really good. I’ve been craving baked foods and pastas. Both things I haven’t eaten much of the last several months since I was writing a cookbook. But now that the book is over, I’ve eaten a lot of pasta. And you know what? I love pasta.
We find out on Friday which city ets the Olympics. I really hope it isn’t Chicago. But I fear that the committee won’t be able to say “no” to Obama. I’m a huge fan of the guy. But I can’t support him on this. If the Olympics are so profitable and so great, why is the IOC paying cities to host the games? Pfft.
About a billion years ago, or a year and a half in non-Twitter years, Betsy Greer of Craftivism asked me if I would write an essay for a book she had coming out about knitting and the good it can create in the world called Knitting for Good. I agreed. It was amazing to see my name in print on a page. I cried. My mother cried. I even think my cat cried. But then I heard Marceli Botticelli read my pice out loud for Cast On and wow! Not only does she have a much, MUCH, much better voice than I have but she does wonderful things to the essay I wrote. Thanks again to Betsy Greer for writing the book, asking me to be in it, and being just a generally amazing and fantastic woman. And in case you’re not sure what “craftivism” means, she done went and defined it fer ya!
Gawd I’ve missed sewing. I have a huge pile of pieces I’ve got cut out ready to become bags and ideas stacked on ideas and a coat all ready to get placed on the cutting table. And I’m excited to make it all happen and become bags. But first, I’ve got a dress to make for a certain six-year-old girl. And based on the initial fitting, it’s looking good. It made her eyes light up. And that is all I need. I will say that making a casual cotton dress for an athletic six-year-old is a helluva lot easier than making a silk/linen wedding dress for an atheltic twenty-sixish-year-old woman. I’m a zipper (which I purchasd but can’t find) and a hem from a finished product.
And knitting! I’ve done more knitting in the last few weeks than I have in months. I’ve almost got the body of a sweater finished. And I’m some seems, a collar, and some end-weaving to finish another sweater. It’s great, this knitting thing. I’ve missed it. I just wish it burned more calories, cause that whole writing a cookbook thing resulted in lots of eating and sitting.
Which was okay since this summer sucked! Seriously, all the people who are all Chicago was great this summer because it didn’t get too hot. Well, I just wanna remind all you jagoffs that come February when you haven’t seen the sun for 60+ days and it’s cold and rainy and wet and miserable and you’re ready to crawl your way out of your boring skin, that you like it when it’s not too hot. I, on the other hand, feel like I haven’t refilled my sun-cell battery this year which means that I’m going to be ape-shit crazy come November. Prepare yourself. Stupid Chicago weather.
Having a kitten is hard. Really hard! Like I have little scratches all over my arms hard. Oh, but he’s cute, too. He occasionally lays down on the pillow next to my head and purrs and rubs his chin on my forehead so I know that I belong to him. He’s a lover and a fighter. Boos was happier before we got him. But he’s doing better than he was. Even though he’s back on the anti-anxiety medication cause he wanted us to know that our rugs were evil and needed to die. Sigh. He’s lucky he’s cute, too.
The DIY Trunk Show is in the organizing process still. It’s coming up soon. My todo list is managable this year thanks to the fantastic Amy Carlton and ladies of the Chicago Craft Mafia. It’s really gonna be the best show ever. You should come.
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16 September 09
I wrote a book!
Hitting send was a little more emotional than I expected it to be. I figured I would cry a little bit when I saw the final product, but I didn’t expect to cry just from sending the un-copyedited files off.
Now that I’m done with the writing stage, maybe I’ll have time to talk about the all those things related to feminism, journalims, meeting fantastic and charming friends for the first time, travel, my kitten (who is losing his kitten face), gasp crafting, organizing the DIY Trunk Show, and probably something about food on occasion.
But for now, I’m going to drink some milk, eat a cookie, and go to bed.
OMG! I WROTE a book. That whole past-tense thing is crazy, isn’t it?
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