20 April 09

Pet Peeve of a Feminist Bent

So I read a comment recently that instantly made me angry. But I needed some time and some distance before I could figure out why it made me so angry. Actually, I needed time to think about all of the ways that I was angered. And I realized, eventually what it was. Since I don’t have a link to what angered me and don’t want to go look for it or add more links to it, I’m going to talk about the general perception that bothered me and explain how it relates to me.

There are a whole lotta people in Chicago that know Andrew because of Gapers Block and the work he has done with it. Occasionally I get to meet them. Occasionally, this is the reaction that I’ve sadly gotten from just as many men as I have women, “Oh, that’s so cute/sweet/nice/interesting that he lets you write for the site.” And this is what I stewed about and had to figure out. Many people assume that if there is one “famous” or “successful” person in a couple that the partner must either be just as into the exact same things (which I’m not) or completely clueless about what has made that person “famous” or “successful”. And in my case, and the case of other women I know, this isn’t true. I know a great deal about what Andrew has done. I lack the mad-tastic editing skills he has. I’ve not sought out fame through my role with Gapers Block, but working with the site has had an enormous effect on my life. Not just because our bedtime gets later and later depending on what Andrew has had to do for the site, or that I’ve been able to enjoy the occasional free ticket or dinner because of staffing outings. The site has affected me because of the people I’ve met on staff, the people who are in my life that I wouldn’t know if it weren’t for the site.

And it’s easy to explain the way I’ve been affected by the site and the way I’ve affected the site (there’d be less talk about food and crafting and feminism if I wasn’t around). But there’s another way that I’ve impacted the site. And here is the nugget of my frustration. If Andrew wasn’t with me, if I wasn’t in the picture, he’d still have created the site and still be doing it. But I think the stress on him would have been greater if I wasn’t there and I think his overall success with the site and with our aspects of his professional life wouldn’t have been as great. If I wasn’t with him, he wouldn’t have had someone making him dinner while he was working full-time, running Gapers Block, and starting up his freelance business. He wouldn’t have had someone congratulating his each achievement or listening to the stories of joy, frustration, annoyance, concern, or even confusion. He wouldn’t have had someone prodding him on ways to be a better manager, or a better businessman, or become aware of how the site affects parts of the city. He wouldn’t have had someone to help him take care of all the various tasks that involve running a home. (Andrew hasn’t paid a bill in years. If nothing else, because I take care of that chore he’s got an extra 4-5 hours a month because he doesn’t have to take over money managment.)

So yes I’ve gotten invited to an occasional free dinner as Andrew’s guest. But Andrew has been able to do what he’s done for the site because of the emotional, intellectual, financial, and professional support I’ve given him. And our relationship, our partnership, is the norm with people we know. But yet so many people have had a much more “traditional” view of what my role in his life must be. And this isn’t atypical. I see it happen with other people who are famous. If the man is famous, the woman must be attracted to his “power” or “influence”, which takes away his humanity while relegating her to a role of fame-whore or glamour-seeker, or even gold-digger. In my experience, it just hasn’t worked that way. The expected stereotype plays out better in the media than in real life. In my experience, relationships that are partnerships end up making it much easier for each person to engage in their life fully and actively because there is someone there to support them when they need it. So just because we aren’t active in each other’s realms, doesn’t me aren’t affecting each other’s ability to interact with our realms. We couldn’t have done it without each other. And we both know that.

Comments

  1. For what it’s worth, I knew about you as a writer long before I knew about Andrew. I don’t mean that to diminish his accomplishments, it’s just fact.

    I think this kind of behaviour where the contributions female partners make in relationships is all too common. We’d like to think that in the tech world this kind of crap thinking would evaporate, especially since we can point to so many other women in tech spaces who have made names for themselves independent of their partners (like you have), but I’m sad because it seems like we’ll never get over dividing contributions into “the important work” and “women’s work”.

    This sucks, Cin. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.

    — Cecily on Apr 20, 09:45 pm

  2. I went through something similar when both Clint and I started writing for Ars. We were brought on independently because of our writing skills but Clint had more time on his hands back then, and he was in an editorial role while I was simply a contributing writer. It was a huge struggle for me to keep my cool during all those times when people acted as if he had done me some huge favor by letting me write for the site under him.

    Nowadays, that perception is mostly gone, as I’m the one in the editorial role and he is barely even visible to most readers, but people still ask (which baffles me) whether he helped me get the job (he did not).

    — Jacqui on Apr 21, 07:36 am

  3. DAMN! Obviously those people don’t know you because you don’t let Andrew let you do much of anything. And vice versa. It’s a gift to have another amazingly independent yet totally loving couple in our lives. It makes living in my own independent & loving marriage seem less crazy.

    I do beg to differ thou. While on the surface we’d like to think we’d be just as successful without our partners or they without us, I do think that the butt-kicking & encouragement we give each other is the secret to any of our successes.

    — Veronica on Apr 21, 09:14 am

  4. Thanks, ladies. And to clarify it’s not so much that I’m feeling this way currently, but that I see how prevalent the attitude is and it bothers me immensely.

    And, Roni, your clarification is great. I think Andrew would have still done Gapers Block if I was in the picture, but I truly believe that he would not have been as successful if he didn’t have a supportive partner. Same way that you’d still be a an activist feminist, but if Tony wasn’t as supportive, you may not be in all the things you’re into.

    — Cinnamon on Apr 21, 11:09 am

  5. preach it sister.

    — kate.d. on Apr 21, 11:37 am

  6. The thing is, if we were talking about the crafting world here, I could write basically the same post about Cinnamon. It fills me with pride when I introduce myself to someone at a craft show and see their reaction when I say I’m Cinnamon’s boyfriend/husband/partner/whatever — and they’ve likely never heard of Gapers Block. She’s the rock star in the family in that realm.

    On the other hand, many people assume that if I’m at a craft show it’s because Cinnamon dragged me there, and I’d rather be off watching “the game” or whatever. In actuality, I’m there on my own recognizance, in support of her and willing to help her in any way I can. I don’t have to be there, and I don’t always go with her, but it’s as patronizing to assume I don’t care as it is to assume I’m “letting” Cinnamon write for me.

    I would be a very poor spouse indeed if I wasn’t as supportive of Cinnamon’s projects as she is of mine. I couldn’t be in a relationship that was one-sided in that way.

    — Andrew on Apr 21, 01:37 pm

  7. dooohhhh. so annoying.

    obviously you’re both lucky to have each other but it does suck that females tend to get this “oh lucky you” response more than males.

    of course, i have none of these issues. us spinsters are so lucky!!!!

    — carolyn on Apr 22, 05:47 am

  8. Dude, people are dumb.

    Maybe it’s because I met you both at the same time, or maybe because when I met you I had no knowledge of Gapers Block or the Chicago crafting scene, but yours has always been a two-way supportive relationship. And I mean that in all aspects of both of your interests. If people think otherwise, that Andrew’s giving you hand-outs because you married him, then those people are dumb.

    We who know you know better, and we’ve got your back if you need it.

    — eee on Apr 23, 01:15 pm

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