16 March 06
Tired, so so tired
I’m home. Got home last night. I’ve been tired and draggy all day. I need a mountain of sleep to crawl into until the wind exposes me again. It doesn’t help that yesterday it was 70 degrees and today it was in the 30s with 3-6 inches of snow on the way. Goodbye short sleeves shirts, hello snow shovel. Blah.
I had a great time. An amazing time. I’m so grateful for all the people I got to meet, all the folks I got to see speak, all the fantastic and amazing conversations I was a part of and overheard and witnessed and flickr’d. There’s something about being surrounded by normally introverted folks (for the most part) who are all extroverted (because for one week they’re cool!) who are flooded with creativity and doing amazing things and making amazing stuff and changing the online world for the better and who are extremely humble and modest about it all.
For example, I met Leonard Lin last year. He was a nice guy who was funny and made me laugh and I had a blast. This year I show up and see him and read his nametag to remind myself who he is working for and see upcoming.org. He was one of the folks who developed it (the other two were equally wonderful and thanks to Andy for getting me into their sold-out party. But you never would have known that he was part of a company which just got bought by Yahoo recently. These guys helped make a great piece of software, offered great advice about creation of online businesses, and you would never know it if they didn’t have a nametag.
And that’s been my general experience there. “Oh! You created Flickr!” “Oh! You wrote a book!” “Oh! You organized BlogHer!” Cool people doing cool things and talking to people who “just have a craft blog”. (I’m exaggerating here folks, for effect.)
However, slightly underneath this modesty is a thin undercurrent of “must impress”, which seems to negate my first point but it doesn’t really. This “must impress” vibe wasn’t there last year, but was this year. The other thing that was around this year but not last year was money be spent on large expensive booze-filled snack-riddled swag-strewn parties. I got several t-shirts this year. None last year. I rarely had to pay for a cocktail this year, last year they were rarely free. There were loud dj’s, bar tabs, trays of sashimi apps, margaritas till they ran out of ice, etc. There is a mini-web boom that is back this year and everyone is hoping it sticks around this time. Especially those folks who are creating something they want the large companies to buy.
The other thing in prevalence this year: women! and people of color! Seriously, 1/3 of the panelists were female. Unfortunately I don’t think the percentage was quite as high for people of color but it was far better than last year. Hugh (the Emperor of SXSW interactive) seemed to take the “Where are the women and people of color” criticism of last year and made serious strides to improve both. And I think he succeeded. I was going to count the people of color and women in each of the panels I went to, but I gave up because A) There were too many people in general, and B) I was fairly happy about the margins of difference. At one point, Andrew, Alison and I went to get into an elevator and everyone in it was black and they were all attendees and I almost cheered.
I will admit to having two fangirl moments. The first was fairly mild. I met Jesse James Garrett on Friday night. I prefer to call him Mr. Rebecca Blood. I told him that I was a huge fan of his wife’s. Almost 5 years ago I created Did You Know and one day, a few months after I created it just after I realized what referrers were, I saw a name pop up that I’d never seen before in my logs. I clicked on the link and went to an amazing website full of links and short descriptions and just the smallest hint of personality which shown through around the corners. I went home and told Andrew quite giddily “Guess what! I got linked! By someone I don’t know and by someone none of the other three people who link me have on their rolls.” “Really?” he said. “That’s great, honey. Who was it?” “I don’t know her. Some woman named Rebecca Blood.” “What!??” he cried. “That’s not fair. I’ve been blogging for months longer than you and she hasn’t linked me. She’s one of the originals! It’s like getting linked by Moses.” I emailed her, thanked her for the link, told her I really liked her blog. And she replied and told me to just keep writing. She’s currently #3 on my bookmark list because she’s been there so long and everyone except for Roni or Andrew who I read at that time have disappeared.
So I told this story to Mr. Garrett and he smiled and seemed to take it in stride and had this “Yeah! My wife is awesome!” attitude about it instead of. “Lady you are whack!” which I was kind of expecting. And then a couple of the people around mentioned how intimidating she can be on first sight, but how she isn’t like that at all in person.
The next fangirl moment requires a little more backstory. One of the first political black bloggers I read was “Uppity Negro” aka Aaron Hawkins. For a long time I had no idea he was in Chicago, but I really liked his site and the sass and personality he brought to politics and issues of race. Through his site I came across several other bloggers who I respect. One of whom is George Kelly of both All About George and Negro Phile. I read both sites and wish they were updated more frequently. There’s a sense of calm and understanding that comes through in George’s writing but is nowhere near as strong as what he exudes in person.
I went to the Blogging While Black panel and Lynn Johnson mentioned the unfortunate comment I made last year (which I’m purposefully not linking) where I misspoke and said that I was amazed at how articulate the panelists were. I had meant in comparison to the other SXSW panelists because disorganized notes, lack of focus, rambling tangents, ineffective moderation essentially kept me blogging and checking email and photoshopping images or knitting while people spoke. The BWB panel had me keeping notes through the introductions and then for the first time during the conference I closed my laptop and listened and laughed and enjoyed myself and learned. I left the panel with a very “Yeah! There really should have been more of this!” attitude. And then when I got home and checked to see who had maybe linked me on Technorati.com and discovered some posts lambasting me for being racist. I was confused until I reread my post and thought to myself, “Oh hell no! I didn’t just call a whole bunch of black people well spoken!” But I did. And I apologized and tried my damnedest to express my regret and explain my points to the folks who linked me (and to any of their commenters who were patient enough to listen). And a dialogue was created and I apologized and moved on. And then when preparations for this year started up I was excited to see how everyone had changed or grown or moved on since the previous year’s panel.
Well, things were going peachy and I was having a great time and was all excited to ask my question (which I never got to ask) when Lynn Johnson said “And some white woman had the gall to talk about how well-spoken I was last year.” I paled and turned beet red at the same time, but knew that I had to stand up and admit that I was that fool who really should have known better. There was cat-calling and snarky comments made by audience members, but I knew I had to do it. Lynn called on me. I stood up and admitted I was the fool and explained that what was meant to be a huge compliment came off entirely wrong. People were a little stunned, especially the panelists, but there were some jokes made and even though my stomach was queasy, my knees were knocking, and my complexion was wan I felt good. I kinda felt like maybe I made it easier for the guy who stood up and said “I’m a naive white person, what can I do to help?” (the answer is link them, but I think the footnote should be “And read them for a long time.”)
Afterward I was going to go introduce myself to Lynn and maybe George and maybe even Tiffany Brown but I chickened out. These folks I’d looked forward to meeting for a year were suddenly out of reach to me emotionally even though they were right there. So I went back to the hotel and I calmed down and I met up with my friends. Thankfully one of the panel attendees came by and said “You impressed Lynn. You’ve got some balls.” I was grateful that she told me that, it changed my mood for the evening. I was really afraid for a while that I had somehow severed any goodwill I may have had with these panelists that I respect.
Later after Fray Cafe, George Kelly tagged along with my group of folks and we ended up getting a chance to chat. I was nervous, and unsure of what to say and how he would react. So I began to babble. I planned on saying just a few things. But it didn’t work that way. At several points over the weekend folks told me I was intuitive, perceptive, calming, soothing, and that I made them feel comfortable just talking. I’ve been told this before, and would agree with all of it. But I’ve met my match. I’ve met a man who deserves to be interviewing Cheney, Bush, Rumsfeld and all the rest because he has this disarming sense where your blocks come down and even though you’re thinking “I can’t believe I’m telling him this” you continue saying more. There’s a reason why he’s a journalist and I’m hopeful that he gets the opportunity to use these skills for a long time to come.
And then I got to hear how the situation he met his wife in was similar to the situation where Andrew and I met. But I didn’t get to hear the whole story. It was late, we were all yawning, and the fluorescent lights made us all look like moles with our blinky eyes. But I hope next year to get the opportunity to buy him a beer and get to hear him speak instead of just listen to me babble.
Now that I’m back at work, and the to-do list that was very tiny a week ago has ballooned, now that I have several more purses to make than I had a week ago, now that there is a pile of laundry to be done and things to catch up on, I’m tired and exhausted and drained. But deeply happy. And not just content. I’m also full of hope for the next year. I see big things. I’ve had this feeling for several months and it’s been expressed by others in my personal group, but the air almost feels electric. I’m not sure what these things are, but I’m happy to keep working toward this goal.
Comments
- **Intimidating??!!??** Me? I think people need to get out more. :)
I agree with you completely about George. He just exudes kindness and thoughtfulness. I'm always happy to see him.
- Also, let me just say how impressed I am that you had the courage to stand up and say that was you at the panel. I don't think I would have had the guts. I'm really impressed with your integrity, and I'm going to try to remember this story if I ever find myself in a similarly uncomfortable situation.
- You're probably right, Rebecca. I think folks probably do need to get out more. : )
And thanks for the compliment. At the time I raised my hand, I didn't think it was courageous. I was more interested in letting the panelists know that I really did think they were wonderful and I wanted to do it in front of everyone. After I sat down I had a moment of regret and wished I'd just thanked them all one-on-one. But after I had time to think about it I realized that I just may have been able to make it easier for someone else to speak. Cause nobody could have looked more like a fool than me. I'm a big believer in admitting mistakes and learning from them. Even when it's hard. Especially when it's hard, cause that's when you've got the most that can be learned.
— Cinnamon on Mar 16, 10:46 pm
- Cinnamon: your standing up in the panel was one of the moments that made it great. We will never make progress if we all don't put ourselves out there and take our lumps just like that.
The audience member's comment "Oh, so you meant well-spoken for a *SXSW panelist*" (big laugh) was the perfect closure, and I think the whole sequence of events had something to teach everyone about constructive confrontation, the ability to admit error, and the ability to move forward.
Kudos, chica.
- Yeah, what an awesome story about standing up at the panel!
And you met Leonard and Andy of upcoming.org??? I'm SO JEALOUS!!!
- Oh, you! I could've introduced you to JJG or allaboutgeorge! They're both fabulous people, as you did discover.
Can't wait to see you next year, and hopefully D. and I will be in Chicago some time soon.
— kathryn on Mar 23, 10:17 pm
- I am so sorry I am only seeing your post just now. I am actually the one who should be embarrassed for calling it out in the manner that I did. I meant no ill will, but only wanted to explain how many African-Americans take such a comment (at face value). What I didn't get to see, b/c of the audience reaction, was that you did explain yourself and didn't mean it in that vein.
I was looking for you all over after the panel was over to discuss this with you further, as we had attempted to do previously via email.
I respected your speaking up at the conference, and in my comments when this exchange initially took place. What I'm most saddened by is that I didn't get to speak to you further face-to-face so that we might continue to learn from one another. I definitely learned something between last year and this year.
Thanks again.
— lynne on Apr 7, 12:57 am
Commenting is closed for this article.
